Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
Just pee around me
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
Randomize
