Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
We have 10 gallons of home brew. And james has an amazonian blow dart weapon that sticks in bags and the wall. Come over
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
Randomize