My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
Randomize
