Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
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