I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
