Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
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