I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
