She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Randomize
