I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
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