i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
why didn't we just drop out of school years ago and become dominatrix bitches who beat men?
I don't know but we should still do that
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
Randomize
