Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
I'm pregaming with America's Best Dance Crew.
Do a shot everytime Lil' Mama mispronounces a word.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
I'm way too hungover for life right now
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
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