remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Randomize
