listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
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