hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
Randomize
