i just sent this text using only my big toe
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Randomize
