I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
you are the only girl i know that would bring a plate of cookies to a hook up. but they were awesome. thanks. next time cupcakes?
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
