Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
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