I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
I did not marry a roomba.
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