Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
