this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Randomize
