I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
Randomize
