so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
Randomize
