What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
