okay I'm thinking he doens't have a facebook...I'm on page 28 of Hunters
ok you need to stop NOW
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
Randomize
