yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
