I don't usually arrange sex via text message
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
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