So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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