Are you guys doing anything tonight?
Krysta
I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
Randomize
