My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
Randomize
