I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
there is a large number of people floating in the fountains the morning in inter-tubes...its only 930. did i miss something?
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
Randomize
