Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
He better not be in your backpack
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Randomize
