her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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