Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
He only uses me for sexual pleasure. The sad part is I don't even feel like a slut. I just I feel like I should just live in the top drawer of his nightstand....for free of course.
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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