i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
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