the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
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