I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
Randomize
