2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
Soo I woke up in the storage room at best western....I dont even know what say
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
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