can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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