it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
