Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
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