i think my mom watched the whole time
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
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