its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
Randomize
