you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
