I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Randomize
