K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize