is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
To think... Somewhere, too drunk by buckcherry is someone's theme song
Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
we were playing waterfall, then strip waterfall, then we were just listening to music, drinking, and slowly becoming more naked
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
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