Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
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