his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
Wedsnesdays are always enlightening. Tonights revealation: One should not smoke from something taller than their person.
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
Randomize
