I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
I'm passing your future prison.
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
Randomize
