i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
