i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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