It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
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