this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
