I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
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