I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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