i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
and?
RIP clitoris
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
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