I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
Randomize
