so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
he puts the penis in happiness.
hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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