my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Randomize
