I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
I need a burrito and a hug.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
